Gym After 40: A Battle Against Gravity (and Dignity).

I just got back from the gym (proof attached).

The topic of the gym is as deep as the ocean, but today, let's write about the sheer nastiness of our aging bodies. These poor babies are getting older. Boobs are heading south, bottom cheeks are sagging, and bellies are expanding. Actually—let me correct that—my boobs, cheeks, and belly. I try bloody hard, but it's an uphill battle.

Getting into positions. Standing? Not too bad. But the moment you hit the mat or sit on a bench, things get somehow unflattering.

Exhibit A: Lying face up.

You’d think this would be a safe position, but no. Without a quadruple support system, the girls take a scenic detour to the sides, revealing more than just a cheeky side boob. Unless, of course, they’re fake (which mine are not, yet).

Exhibit B: Face down (a.k.a. the 'basset hound' position.

This one's a horror show. Every bit of loose skin rushes toward the floor. Your face suddenly ages two decades, your chin multiplies, and your stomach looks like you've just given birth to two sets of triplets. Paralysis is the overall aesthetic.

Exhibit C: Sitting.

Doesn’t matter if you’ve been doing ab workouts for three years or six—you will look pregnant anyway, with your stomach perched comfortably atop your mons pubis (I had to Google that).

Now, what is the appropriate gym outfit for women over 40? Based on the above, crop tops and leggings should be strictly forbidden. But you know what? Fuck appropriate. Shake that booty! Jiggle those boobies! And if things get too out of hand, just scoop them up off the floor (or retrieve them from the other side of the bench).