Unsolicited Advice from a Glamorous Woman Who’s Seen It All (inspired by Deborah Vance, my latest Spirit Animal in heels).
Q: My husband chews like he’s auditioning for National Geographic. Is divorce too extreme?
Divorce is never too extreme—it’s just expensive. Instead, chew louder. Outgross him. Weaponise your annoyance. Marriage is a long game of psychological warfare and the trick is to always stay just one bite ahead.
Q: I tried intermittent fasting but then I saw a croissant and blacked out. Did I fail?
You didn’t fail. You won. That croissant didn’t see it coming. Fasting is for monks and influencers. You’re a woman with taste. Eat the pastry. Just do it wearing sunglasses and call it “French.”
Q: How do I get my kids to respect me?
Respect? Please. You want their respect? Start charging rent. Or announce that you’re getting a neck tattoo. They’ll suddenly remember how much they love and fear you. That’s parenting, Deborah Vance-style.
Got a question?
Email me, DM me, I’ll answer it with a martini in hand and a lifetime of questionable decisions behind me. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this:
A midlife crisis is just a rebrand. And baby, you’re the luxury line.
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